Vantage Point (2007)

Action. Intrigue. Forrest Whitaker. This movie’s got it all! And it’s a directorial debut so you know it’s gonna be somewhat good because the kid’s still hungry. And so am I; time for my signature popcorn and Rolos casserole, a movie-viewing staple.

Man, those damn Spaniards. Suppress a terrorist attack for once you soccer-watchin’ matadors! Do something with your life.

Bickering female sideline reporter. Keep your opinions to yourself, woman!

So far: Too much Sigourney, not enough Quaid. Story of my life.

Sigourney’s the one getting fake-assassinated, right?

Matthew Fox is the Secret Service Agent in charge of protecting the President of the United States of America? He can’t even find his way off a magical island! (Except he did. Spoiler Alert!)

President got gat.

Zoom in on the blood! Zoom in on the blood!

Uppity female sideline reporter is crying. Waaahhh! Terrorists!

And now she’s dead. Can’t spew your liberal propaganda now, can ya Hilary!

Now that’s how ya start a movie! Bombs and assassinations and shit.

Good Morning, Mr. Fake President.

Maybe you shouldn’t pull your camera out of your jacket like you’re pulling out a gun, numbnuts.

Quaid’s had a constipated expression on his face for fifteen minutes now.

“Find that shooter!” Matthew Fox shouts unnecessarily. Nah Jack, I was gonna check out the Tower of Pisa. (That’s in Spain, right?)

Still, more exciting than a bullfight.

Kaboom!

“We need a medic here!” A bomb just went off Quaid, you need a medic everywhere.

“What did he see?” What he saw, after this.

Oh, ‘cause it’s from different people’s vantage points. I get it.

Ah shit, subtitles. Friggin’ Spaniards. You better start speakin’ English real quick, Paco.

Busted!

Spanish policeman’s girl hookin’ up a terrorist operative. Juicy. It’s like a Telemundo soap opera. Or at least a Telemundo 24.

There’s too much Pau Gasol in that face. No wonder he flopped when Quaid hit him.

Spanish terrorist attacks are so much more festive than American ones. You almost expected confetti and candy to burst out of that bomb.

Man, Secret Service agents are really shove-y.

Spanish policeman’s gotten hit by two cars, survived an explosion and gotten chased and shot at. He’s like the anti-Gasol.

And now, the Forrest Whitaker story: Just a simple man with a lazy eye on vacation in Spain.

And now Forrest has ice cream on his butt.

That lazy eye makes him a lot more interested in whatever it is he’s looking at. That’s probably why people think he’s such a great actor.

How many more goddam vantage points can there possibly be?

And Forrest just stole a white girl.

That fake CNN Sigourney’s runnin’ should hire Forrest, he’s a better cameraman than any of the mopes they had.

The dumbest girl in Spain. Get out of the road, chica!

No PotUS has ever had the Secret Service nickname “PotUS.”

Hey! It’s the guy from MacGyver!

“We’ve used doubles since Reagan.” Well, how hard is it to find a wrinkly old man who hates black people?

Fuck Morocco. What’d they ever give us besides that overrated Casablanca film?

Five people out of six million? How big was that rally?

“Ooh, we’re gonna need another double.”

“Whoa, check out the TV! I’ve been shot! Get me to a hospital!”

“You like it?” “It’s fuckin’ ice cream and I’m a kid, of course I friggin’ like it!”

Are these those dang Basque Separatists I’m always hearing so much about? Why don’t they just get over it? They’re like Quebec with sombreros. (They wear sombreros in Spain, right?)

Assassination by Blackberry, that’s actually pretty cool.

Dang, Javier’s a fuckin’ beast. He’s Splinter Celling those bitches.

Evil Jack.

Gotta say, this movie is badass. Or as they say in Eth-pain: badassimo.

Where do you get Presidential doubles anyway, Sears & Roebuck?

C’mon Quaid, you think the rogue agent might’ve lost his government-issued cell phone?

Stupid Matthew Fox.

You gotta keep an eye on those young Secret Service agents. It’s so easy to be swayed by those charming Basque separatists and their forbidden, passionate Salsa dancing.

Jeez Quaid, ya drive like a Korean.

When in an automobile accident, simply draw your weapon and yell, “Back off!”

Matthew Fox just got Jacked up. Get it? I don’t.

Forrest Whitaker with a save and a beauty. That’s a Web Gem right there.

Great ‘Kidnap the President’ plan, Paco. He really Spaniarded it up there at the end.

Overall: Three out of Four Happy Ethans. Directing: V Writing: V Acting: V Music: X

The thing I’ll take away most from this film is Forrest Whitaker’s lazy eye. Is he lookin’ at me? Is he lookin’ at you? The answer is clear, my fellow Americans. He is looking at all of us. God Bless you Forrest Whitaker, wherever you are. (Maybe he’s in a forest! LOL!!!!!4#!)