The Faculty (1998)

            Jordana Brewster, Salma Hayek, Famke Janssen and a Hobbit. I don’t think I’ve downloaded this episode of Bang Bus yet..

            Coach T-1000 is pissed.

            Well, there’s your problem right there, Coach. Usher’s your halfback.

            Offspring. Oh yeah, we’re deeep into the 90’s now, folks.

            Hey! It’s K-uger! I want him to be my teacher.

            Principal Frasier’s wife. This is a star-studded cast.

            What was that noise? There better not be a pod person in here!

            This wouldn’t happen in a male-run school. Female Principal, c’mon!

            Oh Hartnett, you’re such a rebel.

            The Hobbit likes Jordana.

            Hey, the sexy blonde terrorist from 24. So hot.

            That 70’s Show guy.

            Jon Stewart wants some Mexican.

            Famke Janssen with glasses and mousey hair. For some reason, I think she’s gonna get hotter.

            Kruger’s gettin’ wasted. Nice.

            Angry Lesbian likes Hot Terrorist. Hot Southern Terrorist. Love that twang.

            Aw, the lonely Hobbit.

            Well no wonder you’re getting picked on, you’re drinking a juicebox with a camera around your neck, you dork.

            Jon Stewart, make a wry Liberal comment.

            Usher trying to be hard. This is a movie.

            We’ve got old ladies in the shower. And they’re shedding.

            Hartnett’s gonna bang Famke.

            The Hobbit’s father is Shooter McGavin. Does that mean the Hobbit eats shit for breakfast too?

            No! Not my copy of Boob Magazine!

            He’s Shooter McGavinning the shit out of this role.

            I need more Hot Southern Terrorist.

            Where the white girls at?

            Just what this movie needed: Creed.

            So pod people move considerably slower than humans and drink a lot of water. The madness!

            Hartnett, you stay away from my Hot Southern Terrorist!

            70’s Show likes his Pen Drugs.

            Famke got hot. I’m shocked. And aroused.

            Ex-Quarterback isn’t buying it.

            Damn you, Hartnett!

            “Fuck you, titbags!”

            Hobbit v. Hartnett.

            Just what the world needs: a Liberal alien.

            Finger Slugs! No!

            “It’s called a gun, man.” No Josh, we call that a starter’s pistol.

            Ha, muff-diving. Nice, Jordana.

            High Hobbit. He even laughs like a Hobbit. It’s not even a laugh, it’s an evil titter. Hah, I said ‘titter.’

            Oh man, Jordana’s an alien. Kill off the hot chick, great job Rodriguez.

            What? A high school kid that can’t fire a gun? What the hell?

            Those are some Any Given Sunday tackles.

            Frasier’s Wife is actually pretty hot in this one.

            Angry Lesbian gettin’ her hetero on.

            What a whiney-ass Hobbit.

            Yeah, I had the football team and the head cheerleader chasing me like this one time too.

            Hot Southern Terrorist is the Queen Alien. Well I’ll be hornswaggled.

            Hmm, New Girl isn’t as hot as she was before.

            Oh, zoom in, pan down, do something Rodriguez. Damn you, you Mexican director. Stealing the jobs from American directors who would show that young girl’s tits.

            Ooh, it’s always unsettling to hear a Southerner saying, “Come out, come out, wherever you are.” No matter how hot they are.

            Great Say-Something-Clever-Before-You-Kill-The-Bad-Guy line, Hobbit.

            Oh c’mon, the Hobbit lands Jordana? N*gga please.

Overall: Three out of Four Happy Ethans. Directing – V  Writing – V  Acting – V  Music – X

            The thing I’ll take away the most from this film is the life lesson that doing drugs is good because it proves you’re not an alien.