Street Fighter (1994)

Van Damme, Raul Julia & Kylie Minogue: What’s the opposite of star-studded? Star-indented?

The man who wrote Die Hard gets his one & only chance to direct a feature film. Ruh roh.

Van Damme’s gonna be hurricane-kickin’ & dragon-punchin’ all over this motha.

Man, this movie’s gonna be awesome! I love Mortal Kombat!

Crisis in Shadaloo City?! No!
General Gomez Addams.

Col. Van Damme, the Russian UN Colonel. Gen. Gomez, the Spanish Southeast Asian dictator. And a Samoan in the control booth. Shit’s more diverse than Obama’s cabinet. Topical humor!

I hate it when villains pronounce all the syllables in ‘la-bor-a-tor-y’; so pompous.

Finally, some street-fightin’. Although, technically they’re not actually on a street. And none of them are characters from the game…so…

Why can’t they just legalize fights-to-the-death? They did in Ancient Rome & they turned out okay..

“Surely you’re not afraid of your own weapons?” “Of course not, they were made in America!”

Nerf! Man, this is 1994..

Gen. Gomez isn’t even remotely intimidating. It’s like Desi Arnaz in a cape.

“He retired & became me.” “Well, what happened to you then?”

Van Damme it!

Can the UN arrest people?

Holy shit, I can’t even understand the guy dubbing the other guy.

Where the fuck are these refugees fleeing that’s worse than Shadaloo City?

Ya see, this is why we can’t listen to the UN. They can’t even stop a gay bi-racial street-fighting couple from stealing their truck.

Van Deade.

Elephants!

So Gen. Gomez’s assistant is Juwanna Man?

My God. It’s lab-ra-tory, you jerk!

Is this a comedy now? I’m lost.

Chun-Li: Journalist-Ninja.

Zombie Damme!

“What a screw-up!”

Whoa, slammin’ Detroit out of nowhere!

Queen-napping, that doesn’t sound very legal.

“This conclave is over!” If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard that one.

“Private interview.” I wonder if he’s insinuating sex there..

“A small amphibious force.” Ooh, I sure hope he’s talkin’ about Battletoads.

Honda with the prison sex joke. Nice.

So we’re basically an hour into this movie entitled Street Fighter, based on the Capcom video game Street Fighter, and we have yet to actually see a real, actual, bona-fide street fight.

Getting straddled by Kylie Minogue; I’d say that henchman has the best role in the film so far.

Was there a catapult in the incubation chamber? Can Van Damme fly?

Levity Van Damme.

Holy crap, is there a single American in this movie? I’m not catchin’ any of this.

Why are they making dinosaur noises?

Same kick, they looped it.

Where did he find boxing gloves? This movie is officially off the goddam rails.

Um, I think Gomez Addams’ bosoms are growing.

Now the movie’s just devolved into a bunch of guys goin’ “Gaahhh! Gaaahhh!” There is street fighting, though.

He had time for a quip while diving out of the way of a giant explosion? Impressive.

Huh, he’s from Jamaica? Couldn’t tell.

What a bunch of Shadaloosers!

And they strike a final pose.

Overall: Zero out of Four Happy Ethans. Directing – X Writing – X Acting – X Music – X

The thing I’ll take away the most from this movie is that it just might be the worst I’ve ever seen. And my lord is that saying something. Chun-Li was hot though.