Star Wars IV: A
I normally don’t start on the fourth film in a series, but I’ll make an exception for chubby ‘ol George Lucas.
Nerds beware: I’m about to forsake everything you hold dear. Your pocket protectors will not protect you. Although they will most likely still continue to protect your pockets.
What’s all this scrolling paragraph bullshit? I didn’t come here to read.
Men, put on your turtle shell helmets and defend the ship!
I don’t think C3PO’s gay, he’s just British; it’s a common mistake.
For rebel soldiers these guys kinda suck.
Beep-boop, I’m a robot.
Spice mines?
You didn’t give him a chance to answer, James Earl Jones, you just asked him where the ambassador is and choked him out.
I hate when my escape pod short-circuits and launches itself with no life forms on board.
Watch out! Adorable Jawas! I don’t know what’s cuter: Jawas or Ewoks.
I like the trashbot, he’s my favorite. He’s like a dumpster with legs. And that’s it.
Stormtroopers
riding lizard-cows. I think those are the same lizard-cows from D-War: Dragon Wars.
“Woo-teeny!”
“Look sir, droids.”
Jawas: Specializing in Wholesale Robot Dealership Since 1982.
“You there I s’pose you’re programmed for protocol.” “Why, it’s my main objective.” “I have no use for a protocol-bot.” Well then why’d you ask him, you dumb uncle! Ah what’s the use, he’s gonna be a charred skeleton in twenty minutes anyway.
“But I was going into Tashi Station to pick up some power converters!” our brave hero whines lamely.
Too bad they didn’t have any sexbots on that Jawa transport.
Got that Leia transmission on loop. Smack the side of that R2 unit.
Don’t get too attached there, Luke. That’s your sister. Unless this is the Southern region of Space.
“Obi Wan Kenobi. I wonder if he means Old Ben Kenobi.” I don’t know man, there’s a lot of Kenobis in this part of the galaxy.
“Beep boop?” “No, I don’t think he likes you at all.” “Beep boop?” “No, I don’t like you either.” “Boop.”
“That wizard’s just a crazy old man.” That man’s just a crazy old wizard.
Hehe, I don’t think you’ll have to worry about that mid-day harvest there, Uncle.
Sand people. Ya know, that’s so racist. Just because someone spends a majority of their time in sand, they’re automatically sand people. George Lucas: Hate Monger.
“Obi Wan, now that’s a name I have not heard in a long time.” Ever since I converted to Islam.
Brit-bot got worked.
Did you know that I used to be Ewan McGregor? And your father was the guy from that Jumper movie?
I wish I could close down for awhile sometimes like ‘3PO.
The Force kinda sounds like Scientology. What’s Kenobi pushin’ on this kid?
God, I gotta go all the way to Alderan for this bitch? Ridiculous.
Nice bowl cut Commander Scratchy-Voice.
“Don’t try to frighten us with your Sorceror ways, Lord Vader.”
Oh, he’s definitely getting air-choked.
I wish I had myself a hovercraft. Fuck a Rolls Royce. How dope would you look rollin’ down Rodeo in a hovercraft.
“Mos Eisley Space Port. You will never find a more wretched hive
of scum and villainy.” What about
That Stormtrooper just got The Forced.
“I’m ready for anything,” Luke says effeminately.
Hey! It’s everybody’s favorite, Butt Mouth.
Pig-Nose must come from the Scottish region of Space.
Friggin’ subtitles, why can’t all these aliens just speak Anglish?
“Door’s locked, move onto the next one.” Because the people we’re looking for surely couldn’t possibly be behind a locked door.
“She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.” Boy, I’ve used that line a couple times, lemme tell you.
I would be so pissed if my planet got blown up.
Crazy Space Chess.
They should make quieter lightsabers. That thing’s loud as Hell.
“That’s no moon.” Oh no wait, yeah that’s a moon.
Fell for the old ‘bad transmittor’ routine.
Luke’s sister’s hot.
The Sexual Tension is strong with this one.
“Put that thing away, you’re gonna get us all killed!” Yeah, I’ve heard that one before.
You’d think they would’ve installed some sort of kill switch on the trash compactor just in case somebody fell in there.
“Close the blast doors!” “Open the blast doors!” Make up your mind, Stormtroopers.
The Stormtroopers are like, Cool! Our boss is fightin’ that old guy, let’s watch!
Golf carts…of the future!
“I used to bullseye wamp rats in my K-16 back home.” Yeah, I used to do that too.
Hey, it’s my old friend who I didn’t mention until this point and who the writer is bringing in late to garner empathy and emotion when he’s killed in a few moments.
All right already The Force will be with me, stop piping in all the time Ghost Kenobi.
“Look at the size of that thing.”
Ha, he said ‘Target Shaft.’
Porkins is alittle chubby for X-Wing piloting.
Whoa, big mustache on the one guy at Rebel Command Headquarters. That there’s a Space ‘Stache.
“Stabilize your rear deflectors.” Man, my rear deflectors always be stabilized.
C’mon Luke, hurry up. Just shoot the thing in the thing and blow up the thing.
Ghost Kenobi, stop bothering me! I’m trying to blow up Death Stars over here!
Indiana Jones to the rescue!
Now for the Triumph of the Will homage. So the Rebels are Nazis? And the Empire is the Jews? That’s what Lucas was going for?
Leia sportin’ alittle
bit of
Oh, those wacky robots.
Overall: Four out of Four Happy Ethans. Directing: V Writing: V Acting: V Music: V
The thing I’ll take away the most
from this film is to always keep your rear deflectors stabilized. You never
know when someone’s gonna come up on your rear..