Silver Bullet (1985)
Corey Haim, John Locke, and Gary Busey; this should prove to be the greatest Stephen King thriller of them all.
“Our town’s longest nightmare.” We had one of those in our town once.
This guy’s got Red Green voice, somebody should get him a lozenge.
Those prints! It’s either Bigfoot or it’s Shaq. Oh my god, it is Shaq!
Whoa! There goes his head! This might actually not be that bad, though it’s still a Haim vehicle. No excuse for that.
“Police concluded it was an accident.” The train knocked his head off? That’s a plausible theory.
“Let’s not go bananas,” Corey Haim says. Eighties Haim didn’t know the meaning of “not going bananas.”
Haim in a wheelchair? That’s gonna make it alittle harder to mock him in this movie. Or easier.
“It ain’t my baby!”
That should be the
“You always take his side ‘cause he’s crippled! It’s not my fault he’s crippled!” Young Narrator not making the best first impression.
A tow cart for your wheelchair, how humiliating/efficient.
“Janie! I fell in the toilet again!”
Wow, pantyhose were a lot cheaper back in the Eighties. Not that I would know…Now Nineties pantyhose…
The suicidal single mother, always the first to go. Typical King.
He keeps rubbing strawberry preserves on her back and thighs. Kinda erotic. That naughty werewolf.
Ooh, “Fuck off!”, I’m glad Corey didn’t hear that. Or is it Cory?
Another rowdy
“Damn cripples! Always end up on welfare!” Yeah, they’re so lazy, sittin’ around all the time.
Busey, Haim’s drunk uncle. If those two aren’t already related, they should be legally placed together for everyone else’s welfare. And they should be under constant surveillance by CBS camera crews with live feeds.
You should get a towel after taping a scene with Busey.
I hope I’m half the alcoholic uncle Busey is some day.
“Oh! That hurts my pants!” Drunk Mainah watchin’ wrasslin’.
“And
then he staggers to the gun rack,” a common phrase in
“Bust his chops!”
This
guy looks too Italian for
Oh
god! Look at this headline! “Quake in
It must be great to play a paraplegic, not movin’ your legs for a couple months. Nice vacation.
Way funniest “dad-reacting-to-dead-son-at-crime-scene” scene ever. Arrrrggghhh!!
Sheriff Locke talkin’ justice.
A good old-fashioned town werewolf hunt. Really brings a community together.
An old guy in a bear trap. Awww.
Uh
oh,
I wouldn’t want my wife pushing me into a werewolf hunt if I wasn’t into it. But unlike that gay character, I would be fuckin’ into it.
Gospel music? That always hikes a movie up a notch.
Locke singing gospel is creepy, he’s too intense.
And crazy grieving dad’s going crazier.
Church full of werewolves, a priest’s worst nightmare.
Young Narrator is more appealing than Old Narrator, what happened?
More Crazy Busey! I mean, more Busey!
“Actin’ like nobody had tits before her.” I admit, I act like that sometimes.
Busey’s gonna hunt and kill the werewolf with wheelchaired Haim. Thank you Stephen King and thank you God.
False alarm, he just gave Haim a wheelchair motorcycle.
“I feel like a virgin on prom night.” Busey just sounds like my grandfather at this point.
Haim and speed together doesn’t sit well with me.
Was The Goonies Haim or Feldman? I’d much rather watch that right now. It didn’t have a werewolf but it did have a big retarded guy. Close.
Busey blooper! Buseper? Bloopsey?
Illegal fireworks for the nephew, this is me in thirty years! Or just me now.
Fireworks
cancelled ‘cause of werewolf threat?
Uh oh, werewolves are upset by fireworks, the county government was right, damn them!
Good thing Haim’s got a wheelchair motorcycle! First time I’ve ever written that sentence. Nope, second time, after my Haim/Ramis futuristic zombie western thriller.
Bottle rocket to the eye, werewolves hate that. And you know a werewolf will remember the kid in the wheelchair motorcycle. Easy to single out in a crowd.
Yeah, like Busey could land a woman, ever. Though he does a cavernous mouth, some women like that. I call them whores. No, just kidding whores.
I bet Haim saw werewolves a lot in the Eighties.
Operation Werewolf Hunt/Can Collection.
It ain’t the black woman, that relieved alotta liberals. Black werewolves are hard to PR.
Not the barber or the other creepy oldest guy ever in the shop.
It’s not the loud guy from the diner, that’s disappointing.
Werewolf hunts are surprisingly easy.
It’s the grieving dad, we all know already. C’mon King.
Whoops, nope. It’s the preacher. Terrible, that young gay preacher could turn into a werewolf like that. He had such gay promise.
I
don’t see any Moxie bottles in that recycling plant. Because
Moxie sucks and nobody in
Ew, creepy pedophile werewolf. Couldn’t he have just been a werewolf preacher, he had to have an inkling for the peachfuzz too? C’mon King!
Eyepatch preacher is a cool look. I’d go to that church. It’d be like pirate church.
“Or eat a rat poison omelet.” Busey should have a 24/7 webcam attached to his forehead. Or pelvis.
Don’t show Busey anything! It’ll blow his cottonpickin’ mind!
Haim’s jealous of all their legs. This would be moving if he didn’t already have legs. I should go take a walk after this movie.
Eyepatch preacher vs. Haim in a motorcycle wheelchair. Advantage Haim, or anybody in a motorcycle wheelchair.
That motorcycle wheelchair is brand new. It shouldn’t be stalling like that, on a bridge with an eyepatch pirate preacher barreling at him. Did Busey give that legless fuck a warranty? You can’t trust anybody with teeth that big. It’s like entrusting a horse with your money, which I’ve done many a time to no avail.
I still wish it was the grieving father. Though now the previously-eyepatchless preacher’s “everybody else is a werewolf” dream makes sense. Grieving father werewolf still woulda been cooler.
I think Haim actually someday will be killed by a one-eyed preacher, or witch doctor or some sort of shaman.
“You meddling little shit.”
Damn, the werewolf got away again! Crafty werewolf…
“Spooky in there, in’t?”
More Busey, I can’t get enough. It’s like sweet apple pie.
Locke and Busey in the same room is better than a Jessica Alba blowjob. I dunno, I just see her bein’ teethy. She’s got big teeth. Nice teeth, but big.
I wouldn’t want Locke snoopin’ around my garage. He’d find all sorts of shit to make a raft out of to get back here, although he’d already be here, so he wouldn’t need the raft…
Arresting a werewolf is difficult. What do you charge them with, shapeshifting?
And Locke is dead, that was lame. He just clubbed him. Didn’t even werewolf claw him to death.
A crucifix and a medallion equals one silver bullet? Werewolves are expensive to take down. I bet ancient werewolves were pissed when us crafty humans discovered silver. Those old werewolves were all like, “Our days are numbered.” Stupid old werewolves. Although they could talk, which is cool.
How do you fall asleep on a werewolf stakeout? I didn’t think Busey slept anyway.
Scared Busey might be the second funniest thing ever. The first funniest thing is the fact that Busey probably actually thought that was a real werewolf.
“Whoop!” Busey noises are my favorite noises.
Weird tongue waggling by Scared Busey.
Thrown Busey!
The werewolf just looks like Splinter from the Ninja Turtles. Haim just shot Splinter. That paraplegic bastard.
Now he’s Blind Preacher! Now he’s Dead Preacher.
“Don’t worry, he’s dead.” Thanks Haim. Don’t worry, your legs are still dead too.
What I’ll remember most is that the werewolf was made by the creators of the Ninja Turtles and Howard the Duck. I’m gonna blackout and roid rage somebody if this Eighties power ballad doesn’t wrap up sometime soon.
Good night Corey Haim, wherever you are sitting, wishing you were standing.
The Narrator wrapped it up nicely, “Maybe he was a werewolf, maybe he wasn’t. All I know is, we killed a preacher that summer…”
Overall: One out of
Four Happy Ethans. Acting – Busey
and Locke aside, wait that’s half the cast… Directing – I think a block of
cheese directed this one. Writing – it’s Stephen King, I gotta
give ‘em this one. Music – Eighties movie, Eighties
music. Although Haim in a wheelchair did make me feel
oddly happy, even Busey’s picket fence teeth couldn’t
save this toothy blowjob of a movie.