Dan Shaughnessy Sucks – 5/31/09

And now a column’s-worth of Dan Shaughnessy brain farts. We’ll call them Douche Bag Leavings..

Piecing Things Together

Into a column that is not pieced together.

Picked-up pieces while wondering if Manny is going to get enough votes to start in left field for the National League All-Star team . . .

Hey, he stole Leitch’s “Things To Watch” gag!

In "Red and Me," Bill Russell's bestseller about his half-century relationship with Red Auerbach,

An erotic thriller.

Russell writes at some length about his college coach (Phil Woolpert) and his Olympic coach (Gerald Tucker), without ever naming either man.

No royalties for you jerks! Suckers!!

Russell had issues with both coaches. When I asked Russell if the omission of their names was intentional, he laughed.

“Funny, but that’s how most people react when they see me..”

That's what I call carrying a grudge.

Coming from the guy who manages to squeeze a Bill Buckner reference into every other column he’s written for the past twenty-three years.

Russell is slated to receive an honorary degree from Dartmouth in two weeks, and Sam Jones wants him as a presenter when Jones is honored at The Tradition at the Garden June 24.

UMass plays Michigan in football on Sept. 18, 2010. At Ann Arbor. The Minutemen in the Big House. Pretty good.

By 2010, both teams will be D1-AA

Channel 4 is blatantly embedded with the Krafts and the Patriots.

A television channel being bought out by a local sports team? WHAAAAAAAA?!!!?

During a nightly newscast last week, an infomercial on the opening of a luxury hotel at Patriot Place was passed off as actual news. "All Access" comes with a price.

That price? Late night infomercials that do not affect television ratings.

DO YOU HAVE NO SOUL, CHANNEL 4???

Maybe the Bruins were not as close as we thought. For those who stopped paying attention,

i.e. Sports fans.

the Carolina Hurricanes were slaughtered in four straight by the Penguins.

Who are about to be slaughtered in four by the Red Wings.

Quiz: Who was the batter when Nolan Ryan broke Walter Johnson's all-time strikeout record in 1983? (Answer below.)

Why the fuck do I have to guess if you already answered it? Quiz hog!

Red Sox outfielder Jason Bay looks like cartoon oldie Doug Funnie.

!!!!!!!!!!

This might be the greatest sentence Dan Shaughnessy has ever written.

Still sucks though.

John DeFilippo, son of the Boston College athletic director, will be Mark Sanchez's quarterbacks coach with the Jets this year.

Sabotage!

Think Ben Affleck would like to take "Gigli" off his résumé?

TOPICAL!!!!!

Think Bill Clinton would like to take Monica Lewinsky off his résumé?

He should hire the Notre Dame sports information staff.

Those filthy Irishmen?

Charlie Weis's 3-9 2007 season is omitted on Page 90 of the Irish's 2008 media guide and again on Page 15 of the spring prospectus.

You can’t expect them to post a picture of him and still be able to cram his stats on the same page.

The ND SID office did the same thing with Charlie's pro career. Super Bowls and plus-.500 seasons are included, but the Patriots' 6-10 season in 1995 and other losers have been erased. Maybe David Ortiz can get Red Sox publicists to delete 2009.

Because the only way people remember things is through media guides.

Sad to see Rachel Alexandra not running in the Belmont.

I liked the cut of her jib.

If the filly had run, ESPN could have dispatched Rachel Nichols to cover the race. Before she married, Nichols was Rachel Alexander.

OH MY GOD! YOUR NAME IS LIKE A HORSE NAME!

Before Dan Shaughnessy married he was Dan Fuckingretardedrectanglehead.

It's Always About The Red Sox Dept.: In a Sports Illustrated interview with Dan Patrick, Cal Ripken talked about his role as consultant on Robert DeNiro's "The Fan."

That explains why all the sex scenes were so graphic/accurate.

"DeNiro was very interested in Boston fans, how crazed they are, how personal they take it," recalled Ripken.

And the expert on that would be a man who has never played for Boston.

The Pirates have a minor league prospect named Henry Henry.

THERE IS ALSO A HORSE IN THE BELMONT WITH THAT VERY SAME NAME! PERHAPS ESPN SHOULD DISPATCH MR. HENRY TO COVER THE RACE.

Henry Squared is 22, hit .341 in the Venezuelan summer league last year,

Meh. They’re all high on crank in that league in the summer.

and is slated to play for the Pirates' Gulf Coast League team this summer. Hope he makes it to The Show.

I hope the Notre Dame Media Guide doesn’t omit his stats for this season.

Folks at Kansas State recently learned it's going to cost $4.4 million to finalize the divorce from former football coach Ron Prince.

Maybe he slips down some stairs instead..

According to reporting by Jeffrey Martine of the Kansas City Star, Prince cut a secret deal with former KSU AD Bob Krause. Krause resigned last week when news broke of the secret pact.

Secret Fudge Pact.

Prince is represented by Neil Cornrich, the same Neil Cornrich who represented Bill Belichick when he split from the Jets in 2001.

That almost barely had something to do with Boston sports.

The late, great Dom DiMaggio still holds the Red Sox hitting streak record, 34 games. Jacoby Ellsbury, DiMaggio's heir in center field, started his recent 22-gamer six days before Dominic passed. Ellsbury was stopped Thursday in Minnesota.

Dom’s ghost ain’t gonna let no Injun break his record.

John Calipari: more vacancies than a luxury hotel in downtown Detroit.

More vacancies than a Gigli movie premiere!

You remember. UMass's 1996 trip to the Final Four was erased by the NCAA when it learned that Marcus Camby accepted money and gifts from sports agents.

I do NOT remember. For the NCAA has erased my memory of said event. It never occurred!

Now the NCAA may vacate Memphis's 2007-08 Final Four ride because of new charges against a Calipari program. Naturally, Coach Cal has moved on (for infinite millions).

He’s exaggerating, guys.

These days, it's up to Kentucky's admissions department to try to stay clean during Cal's reign. Cal is on track to bring in one of the great recruiting classes, but it's going to be tough to get some of the student-athletes through the NCAA clearinghouse. He's also probably going to exceed the 13-scholarship limit, which means he's running kids out of the program.

Yeah, but they’re kids from Kentucky. So who cares.

While the Sox play at Detroit Tuesday night, the Red Wings will be in Pittsburgh for Game 3 of the Stanley Cup finals.

Both of these teams are from the city of Detroit, Michigan. Coincidence?

If you're into women's football,

Does that even exist?

If you’re into dragon racing..

the Boston Militia play the New York Nemesis (great name) at Dilboy Stadium

(greater name)

next Saturday. Coached by Derrick Beasley, the Militia gave up only one touchdown in their first five games. They have a running back from Villanova named Mia Brickhouse.

Alright, it’s official. None of this is real.

Who’s foolin’ with Shaughnessy?

No matter whom the parents are, a 17-year-old kid holding a beer can at an NCAA lacrosse game does not qualify as news.

Leave Bill Belichik alone!!!!

Nothing at an NCAA lacrosse game qualifies as news.

Knowing he was too injured to pitch, oft-maligned Keith Foulke (now trying to make a comeback)

Ya playin’, righ?

retired in February 2007 one day before he would have collected $5 million from the Indians just for showing up at work. Here's what Foulke said to the Globe's Stan Grossfeld when asked about Curt ($8 million for not pitching in 2008) Schilling: "He's got to wake up and look himself in the mirror every day."

Hey Keith, lemme wipe the tears away with an EIGHT MILLION DOLLAR BILL!

(Oh, and thanks for 2004..)

Manhattan College recruited and signed Kevin Laue, a 6-foot-10-inch center from California who was born without a left hand.

Sounds right to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wonder if Pedro Martinez will surface before the end of the season.

Why, is he tunneling through the Earth or something?

Notice how much cleaner public bathroom walls have become since the popularization of Internet message boards?

You can practically eat off them!

Quiz answer: Red Sox bench coach Brad Mills.

Fuck, I thought it was Red Sox bullpen coach Gary Tuck.

Then a backup infielder with the Montreal Expos, he took a sidearm curveball on the outside corner for a called strike three.

Shoulda bunted, Mills.

Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com.

~~~

Another mind-bender from Shaughnessy. We learned that horses have names like people names. Notre Dame has Gestapo-like silencing methods. And that Dan is aware of Doug. Unbelieveable.