Dan Shaughnessy Sucks –
Two weeks of boring college
basketball coverage, but Danny Boy is finally back on
the baseball beat.
Now let’s beat him. To pulp.
(Shaughnessy’s
bombastic pomposity in bold, my pumpfastic
bump-assity in plain.)
No Sideshows As Red Sox Go To
Work
So they fired the bearded lady?
Recession’s a mothafucka..
Six months ago they came within
one game of making it to the World Series.
Dwelling on the
past, a Shaughnessy/Ryan classic.
They have qualified for the
postseason in five of the last six seasons, something they could not do even in
the glory days of Babe Ruth.
Didn’t his gloriest
days come after leaving
The
Ew..
with satellite states around the globe. Franchise garb is
worn by most school teachers in
A successful team is popular? WHAA?!!?!?
The Sox today open their 109th
season against
WEATHER DID NOT PERMIT!
and another postseason run is expected.
Boy, I don’t think they’re gonna go very far if they only score one postseason run..
But wouldn't you agree that
they've become just a tad . . . bland?
You mean whiter? Yes, I agree.
Despite all the success and
popularity, hasn't some of the color faded from these carmine hose?
Carmine Hose, wasn’t he on Laverne
& Shirley?
Red Sox television ratings were
down 20 percent last year.
Jeez, I’m surprised they didn’t
get cancelled with those numbers.
The pregame
show ratings fell by a full one-third.
Wow, I’m completely nonplussed by
that stat.
This year's spring training was
remarkable for its tranquility.
Yeah, it was like a Buddhist
monastery down there..
No holdouts,
Our biggest free agent was Mark Kotsay..
no latecomers,
Tell that to Youkilis’
wife!
no intramural dustups around the batting cage.
What?
No long-hair leaping gnomes.
I always thought David the Gnome
kept his locks quite well-cropped.
It was all about baseball.
Yes David, we’re watching
baseball. Now finish your strained carrots.
Once a roster peppered with
divas,
Manny, I’m assuming..
blogboys,
Schilling, I’m guessing?..
and Jesus action figures,
The first part makes me think
Johnny Damon. The second part confuses me a bit, did
Johnny have karate-chop action?
the Red Sox of 2009 are downright button-down.
Down Right
Button Down. That’s how you get to
the Nazi-Ninja level in Wolfenstein, right?
No more gypsies, tramps, and
thieves.
Wha.
With few exceptions (hello,
Jonathan Papelbon),
Papelbon: Hello, creepy
reporter with gigantic Irish head.
members of the local nine are on time and in line.
One plus of the
young blogosphere taking over and pushing the old
Typewriter Vanguard out of the industry?
We’ll never hear anybody say ‘local nine’ again.
Don't expect anyone in this
group to someday fess up about taking shots of Jack Daniels before the big
games.
Yeah, Okajima
prefers Saki..
"I think we all want to
have that business atmosphere," says Tim Wakefield, who is entering his
15th season with the Sox and who has seen it all.
By ‘all,’ he means fifteen years
of Red Sox baseball.
You ever see an ostrich ride a
zebra, Wake? Well, then I guess you haven’t seen it all, have you?
"I don't think we have
that personality we used to have.
‘Winning?’
I'm not saying it was bad -
that was a lot of fun. It's just different."
Yeah, everybody’s fucking injured
now. That’s different.
Think about it: Would any of
you recognize left fielder
Silly. They don’t have candy in
Bay doesn't blog,
Blog doesn’t bay.
doesn't relieve himself inside the Green Monster,
What a prude.
and has not asked to be traded.
He also doesn’t have an OPS of 1.232 and a World Series MVP. But he’s white, so whoopty-whoop.
All he does is play baseball
the way baseball is supposed to be played.
Another fucking Shaughnessy go-to gripe. “That damn Mexican’s all over the place! Look at him
smiling & having fun! He doesn’t study pitchers the night before! He
admires his game-winning home runs too long! Send him back to
Which is why
he's coveted by Theo Epstein, the general manager/master of the universe who
has put his flatline stamp on
Yeah, the guy
who quit the Sox and escaped Fenway in a gorilla
suit. He’s as flatline
as they come..
"I think when you have 25
guys working hard, playing selflessly with a common goal, it's anything but
boring," says the franchise architect.
How can Shaughnessy
accurately record these quotes with Theo’s cock in his mouth?
"I find it meaningful and
invigorating when that happens."
Caucasians make me feel more
comfortable.
Culminating with the
jettisoning of Manny Ramírez last summer,
Into Space.
the Sox' roster has undergone a radical change since cartoon
characters ruled the clubhouse in the magical summer of 2004.
Baloo was a clubhouse cancer.
It's not accidental.
It’s occidental.
"I think the 'Idiot'
culture can only exist for so long before it starts to create its own
issues," admits Epstein.
For instance,
idiocy.
"We've shifted to players
who play hard,
On the field and
off the field. Bow-chicka-bow-wow..
care about each other, and focus about winning above
everything else in a selfless manner. The more players you have like that, the
more cohesive team you're going to have.
These ‘Spics don’t give a fuck
about anything but bangin’ mamacitas
& eatin’ chalupas, I tells ya!
"We don't want to be on TV
for non-baseball reasons.
For instance,
football reasons.
We don't set out to do that,
but that's what happens when you bring in players who are focused on winning.
They tend not to surround themselves with too many outside influences or
distractions."
They don’t go to carnivals. The
bright lights & delicious cotton candies can be very distracting.
The Red Sox are good.
As is pie.
They have a pitching staff that
is the envy of baseball. Josh Beckett, Jon Lester, and Daisuke Matsuzaka all are capable of 20 wins
Well, technically, any
pitcher is capable of twenty wins..
and
Meh, National League All-Star..
The long relief is deep and Papelbon is the best closer in the game.
Because the Rays think David Price
is better suited for Triple-A.
Hall of Fame-bound John Smoltz will be ready in June and there's more help down on
the farm.
They’re teaching pigs to throw
knuckleballs!
No-hit wonderboy
Clay Buchholz had a terrific spring but couldn't make the team.
Because he sucks
big balls.
"You never feel better
about your pitching staff than the day before the season starts," says
Epstein.
Unless you’re
the Giants.
"We have a lot of depth. I
also think we have a chance to have a lot of elite performers on our staff.
We’re actually thinking about
changing the team nickname to the Boston Elite Performers.
On paper we have a chance to
have the best staff in baseball."
On paper, the Yugo
seemed like a sensible automobile.
Hitting won't be a problem.
Why, did we sign Brett Myers? Hiyoooo!
The Sox were second in the
league in runs last year.
“Musta
been all the chalupas those dirty Mexicans were
wearing!”
Dustin Pedroia
is the reigning Most Valuable Player,
DUSTY!
Kevin Youkilis
has emerged as a solid cleanup hitter,
YOUK!
and Bay is a 30-home run guy.
Uhh, ..JASON.
Mike Lowell and David Ortiz
look ready to return from injuries.
Ortiz: Yes.
The Sox wear out opposing
pitchers. They work deep into counts and they get on base.
No Manny? No problem, says
Theo.
Actually, sort of a problem..
No Guy Predominantly Responsible
For Two World Series Victories In Four Years? No
problem!
"Manny helps any lineup,
but there are multiple ways to score runs," says Epstein. "You don't
generally need an elite, premier cleanup hitter driving in all your runs.
But it would be nice..
Look at the great Yankee teams
of 10-15 years ago;
Ha, backhanded slam. Nice, Theo.
those teams often didn't have a 30-home run hitter. Our
success offensively has been a lineup full of tough outs, a lineup full of guys
who get on base, more so than any one single power threat. Last year we scored
more runs per game in the last two months without Manny than we had in the
previous four months with Manny. By a healthy margin."
Shaughnessy’s trying to relay a message with this article, but I just
can’t figure out what.
The American League East is the best division in baseball.
This is not up for debate. If you
try to debate it, Shaughnessy will stare at you with
those cold dead eyes until your soul melts out your colon.
The Yankees, Rays, and Sox all
are capable of 95 or more wins.
Ninety-six, even!
The Yanks re-loaded over the
winter, swiping Mark Teixeira from under the noses of
the Sox
Zounds! Duped again!
and committing almost a half billion dollars to new players.
The Rays added Pat Burrell to a team that went to the World Series last year.
Wow! They signed an aging left
fielder who either hits homeruns or strikeouts (mostly the latter)! Whatever
shall we do?
Meanwhile, Theo tweaked.
Everybody else signed free agents,
Epstein took some ecstasy.
He shopped for bargains.
Just like my grandma!
"I really liked the winter
that we had primarily because it fits the model that we've been using to try to
build an organization that can sustain success," says the GM, now 35,
entering his seventh season as the Sox boss. "We didn't have a ton of
holes to fill this winter.
Yo momma did, tho!
And we have a lot of young
players that we can plug in, both in the pitching staff and the lineup. It
keeps the operation going. I think the winter really reflected organizational
ideals that have served us well."
Which brings
us back to the notion that the Sox are a little less edgy than they've been. More Paul McCartney, less John Lennon.
So, we’re not dead. That’s a plus.
"When we first got here I
thought there was almost a culture of fear and paralysis in the
clubhouse," says Epstein, who joined the club in 2002.
‘Specially
when we signed Christopher Reeve.
"There was so much
dysfunction and distrust around that it was dehumanizing to a certain extent.
Hey Dan, you gonna
write any of this article? Or should we just let Theo ride this thing home?
"The first thing we wanted
to do was get people to relax and have fun again and to build a fraternity of
sorts in the clubhouse. Players like Kevin Millar and David Ortiz were brought
in and really contributed to that. We were loose.
Loosey-Goosey, if you will.
We were the 'Idiots', and that
was in part the antidote to the dysfunctional culture of fear and paralysis
that existed previously."
Now the Sox are the model of
professionalism. No hot dogs. No mustard. Just ballpark
Franks.
Aren’t…those…hot dogs?
"It's fun to watch,"
says Epstein. "I don't find Dustin Pedroia boring, I don't find Jonathan Papelbon
boring. These guys, day in and day out, battle to win 95
games in the toughest division in baseball. They're trying to win a
third World Series in six years. I find that really exciting.
So does my penis.
And I think most baseball fans
in
Who the fuck does that?
might not appreciate the team quite as much. But in the end I think
the reason people like baseball is just the game itself and to watch the team's
play."
The Red Sox are all about
baseball now. Only baseball. What a concept.
What a
country!
Dan Shaughnessy
is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com. 
~~~
Basically just another Manny-attack column. Can’t get enough of those! Manny sucks,
And of
course, another Shaughnessy column that Shaughnessy barely wrote. Co-author Theo Epstein did a heckuva job with this one. How to be,
Theo.