Dan
Shaughnessy Sucks –
Hey Dan, thanks for joining us. Haven’t heard from you in a while.
Now bend over and take it.
Don’t Worry,
They’re Up To The Minutes
Hiyooooooo!!
Let’s not.
You've got the three-minute
egg,
They should make a two-minute
egg!
four-minute mile,
Yeah, I’ve done that.
six-minute abs,
Yeah, I got those.
Minute
Maid OJ,
The Juice’s
prison nickname.
minute rice,
Do you make that in a miclowave?
UMass
Minutemen,
Suck!
the Doobie Brothers' "Minute by Minute,"
Michael
McDonald = The
and everybody's favorite, the New
York Minute.
That’s when you get sworn at and
called various, sometimes inaccurate racist slurs for sixty seconds.
You forgot the Dan Shaughnessy
Minute. Sixty seconds of sexual satisfaction.
And then you've got those
ever-expanding "minutes played" in the NBA playoff box scores.
All that for
that. Huh.
Well, at least the Doobie Brothers
got a shoutout. That oughta help their record sales a bit.
Paul
Pierce played 51 minutes en
route to personally winning Game 5 in overtime over the Bulls in the Garden
Tuesday night. Rajon Rondo played 49. Kendrick Perkins, 48. This was after Sunday's
double-overtime thriller in which Rondo played
55 minutes, Pierce 52.
Too many minutes!
As this series stretches to
Game 6 tonight, we have a lot of fans and media members talking about
exhaustion and minutes.
Rubbish.
Poppycock, Govna!
Listen to captain
Pierce in the
“Captain Pierce
in the
"You've got to understand,
this is not - when we grew up playing basketball, you may play like three or
four games in one day."
Three or four
forty-eight plus minute games with the pressure of 20,000 fans screaming at you
on national television? That sounds
exhausting.
That's it right there. Pierce
is reminding us what Larry Bird said long ago
and what players have been saying since the first ball went through a peach
basket . . .
They said, “Good shot, old chum!
You just gave that peach basket the ‘ol what-for!”
This is a game. Players grow up
playing the game 10-12 hours per day. There is no such thing as exhaustion when
a dedicated professional athlete is involved in the second overtime of a
playoff game.
Unless they’re
really really exhausted.
Let's start by reminding
ourselves that the Celtics and Bulls are not digging ditches or carrying hods.
Big Baby sorta looks like he’s
carrying a couple hods under his jersey.
Playing basketball is not as
exhausting as working in a coal mine.
Which is
actually gonna happen if the Bobcats move to
It's not as mentally taxing as
standing in a factory assembly line, trying to make the time pass, realizing
it's still an hour and a half until the next cigarette/coffee break.
Way to go, Dan. You just
thoroughly depressed all your factory assembly line readers.
You want to hear the voice of
exhaustion? Talk to a single, working parent of a sick child. Don't talk to
Paul Pierce or
What if their kids get sick? Can I
talk to them then?
"Clearly, I'm not managing
minutes," Rivers said Tuesday. "I'm playing guys 50 minutes. They're
basketball players. That's what we do. You know? We get days off in between.
Hell, we play all day. And that's our attitude. If we had to play guys 60
minutes, we'll do it. Hell, what else is there to do right now?"
I like that attitude in a coach.
“Fuck it, let’s play basketball for a while.”
Added Pierce,
"When you're in the close games and it's the playoffs, it's mental, and
you don't really think about it."
Sounds like Yogi, no? It's
mental and you don't really think about it.
I think he meant
wrist-against-chest mental. This series is retarded!
Rivers reminds us that these
are conditioned athletes, not weekend warriors.
Oh shit, I forgot! These guys that
get paid a million dollars a game are professional athletes. I thought this was
the greatest intramural league ever.
Think about kids who love to
play ball, or skate.
Those crazy kids
and their rollerblades.
Ever hear one of them want to
come back into the house because he or she is tired? No. When you live to play
you stay on the court, the field, the ice, because it's what you love.
Fuck it, if I got tired it was nap
time for Young Ethan. Maybe I was just a lazy kid..
I remember playing basketball
games that went right through dinner,
Then who ate all your cold
potatoes?
then finally coming into the kitchen, looking out the window,
and wondering how we were able to keep playing when it was so dark.
Because you’re
Irish. You people have translucent
skin and neon-red hair.
That's the point. When you're
involved in a game, you don't even notice that it's getting dark. Just like you don't notice that you're tired.
Especially if
you’re blind.
Or just really
dumb.
Here's what Bird told Bob Ryan
Guh. That asshole?
in the middle of the 1987 playoffs, when Bird was averaging
46.6 minutes per game: "How many times have I told you? I can play all
day. [Dennis Johnson] can play all day. Minutes
don't mean nothing."
We don’t need no
stinkin’ minutes.
Now hours on the other hand..
Bird interjected another
thought.
How the heck could Bob write all
this stuff down while he was deep-throating him? Did he have an assistant?
"When there's a CBS game,
it's a joke. K.C. [Jones] kept asking me if I wanted to come out and I'm
sitting in the huddle for a minute and a half while he's asking. There are so
many extra timeouts."
CBS is Celtics-biased!
It's the same now, except it's TBS or ABC instead of CBS.
TBS/TNT. Same diff. Except one is
completely wrong.
In the playoffs, there are a
lot of long breaks and the athletes have time to recover. The Celtics and Bulls
had two days off between Games 2 and 3, and again between Games 3 and 4.
Lazy pricks.
Don't expect the topic to
dissolve.
Because the topic is being stored
fresh in vinegar. It’s incapable of dissolving.
The Bulls are younger than the
Celtics, and if
Stupid planes!
We'll be talking about Ray
Allen's old bones and Perkins looking like Sonny Liston slumping on the stool
in his corner in
Racist! Don’t use his slave name!
He prefers to be called Perk.
Don't even think about it.
Who are you, the kid that doesn’t
wanna give Shaq his Pepsi?
The Celtics will be eliminated
from these playoffs one of these days. Plenty of time for
rest then.
Once again, not completely sure
Dan even lives in
Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe
columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com. 
~~~
Dan
Shaughnessy: Bastion of Confidence.
No point
in stopping doubting the defending champions now. You’ve been doing it for this
long.
Hey, Dan:
I’m raising a crow you can eat in a couple months. His name’s “Fuck You.”