Resident Evil (2002)

Zombies zombies zombies! As American as sweet apple pie.

Oh God, a prologue. I feel like I should be taking notes. Oh wait, I am. Hold on…

Careful with that viral weaponry.

Damn, I need a self-locking metal briefcase like that.

Annnd there goes the zombie juice.

Our experiments! Our precious experiments! They’re getting wet! Wouldn’t that just be another experiment? “The subject becomes damp when moistened.”

Haha, you’re claustrophobic and you’re trapped in an elevator.

I hate when my company locks me in the building and gasses me so I don’t start a zombie outbreak. Goddamn bureaucrats.

I saw dogs earlier, so that definitely means dog zombies.

Decapitated by elevator: you don’t see that in your everyday coroner’s report.

Nude Jovovich is my favorite Jovovich. Helluva start Milla, keep up the good Eastern European work.

Let’s check out this dresser: alright, 1^st drawer – panties; 2^nd drawer – blouses; 3^rd drawer – automatic weapons. Well, everything seems to be in order here.

Lotta Jovovich nipple in this one.

Annnd here come the Marines. They must hafta pay for alotta windows, they always seem to come in that way.

Hey, it’s everyone’s favorite alc, Michelle Rodriguez. Her agent should really get her some non-SWAT team roles, she might be pretty good playing a girl.

More people nobody knows. Who is anybody right now? Exposition, motherfuckers.

Fake marriage to Jovovich, sucks for that guy. “So…I’m not banging Jovovich? Weak.”

“They live and work underground.” Well duh, that’s where their office is, numbnuts.

I’d much rather be playing the game right now. I feel like blasting some zombies in the head.

Ya can’t trust those damn AI computers. Thinkin’ for themselves. Robots too.

Lotta tight air vent shots in this film. I bet air vent salesmen nearly busted themselves in the theaters.

Oh wow, the dead lady’s eyes opened. That’s really shocking in this ZOMBIE movie I’m watching.

Just let the woman with acute memory loss wander around freely, that’s safe.

C’mon black guy, don’t scare Milla like that. She’ll hurl Bulgarian epithets at you; or Slovakian, wherever the hell she’s from.

“What’s taking so long?” the nobody actress implored emphatically. “Red Queen’s defenses are in place. She’s making it difficult.” replied the nobody actor, putting an odd emphasis on ‘difficult.’

This is a zombie movie, if the black guy makes it to the halfway point, I’ll be shocked and alittle appalled, but not in a racist way. At least not so overtly racist like I usually am. Well, maybe a little overtly racist.

Whoops, the dryer’s off-balance.

“What’s that?” the other nobody actor asks with a look of constipation on his face. It’s like if you saw a raccoon run through your bathroom when you’re taking a dump. Same face. Try it at home! But be careful with the raccoon; that little bugger could have rabies.

They stole that decapitation scene from Ghost Ship! Those plagiarizing bastards.

And there goes the black guy. Toldja.

“Déjà vu anyone?” No, I’d rather watch this stupid movie. I can’t stand Denzel.

Uh oh, little hologram British girl. Can’t trust her.

Awesome. Scary zombie place now becomes scary zombie place with no lights. Great move, fella. Can you put spooky ghost sounds on the PA system while you’re at it? I wouldn’t give Michelle Rodriguez an automatic weapon, ever.

First zombie goes after the Latino, typical.

Lab coat zombies, those are usually the strongest ones. Closest to ground zero of the zombie epidemic. Pandemic?

Oh shit, ax zombie.

First “they’re everywhere” of the movie. Hot chick gets the good line, no fair.

Great, she lost her memory all over again. Stupid zombie bomb.

Being handcuffed during a zombie attack would probably be the worst. That and being blind during a zombie attack.

First “ripped apart by zombies” scene: white dude. That coulda been me, man. Really makes you think about how precious life is.

First horrible CGI zombie beast. Looks like that movie with the floating dragon-bull thing on the SciFi Channel. I think it’s a Langolier.

Hot chick just wandering around stupidly again. This is based on a video game.

Hmm, a room full of dogcages with holes in the wire. I’m going to inspect this more thoroughly til I’m mauled like Mike Vick’s gardener.

It’s like a female Bourne Identity with zombies. Jovovich’s fuckin’ rockin’ the shit in this movie.

Whoops, more ketchup-covered dogs.

She just kicked a dog through a window. I wonder if PETA boycotted this film.

What’s he thinkin’? “Oops! I forgot there are zombies!”

Hey, I talked to that chick in a graveyard once. Jovovich has weird memories.

“What kind of research?” “Zombie research, you Czechoslovakian Republican!”

“Sonuvabitch!” he yelled effeminately.

I still don’t understand why governments are always conducting zombie research. Why are there always vials of zombie virus lying around? Seems dangerous.

“The need to feed.” Sounds like a new Nine Inch Nails song that I’ll never listen to.

Sure, there won’t be any zombies in THE SEWER!!! Ever seen CHUD honey? Come on!

Zombie quote: “Arrgghhh! Arrgh!”

Zombie flip!

Michelle Rodriguez zombie.

“You like the way it tastes, don’t you?” Oh, Michelle. Leave lamewad Caplan alone.

“She’s making it difficult.” Worst line read ever (by Caplan).

Have fun being eaten by zombies, Caplan.

“You’re gonna have to work for your meal!” Wow, he had to throw in one more classic line read. Caplan…

Oh no! Not the Langolier! What the fuck is that, did they make that on Microsoft Paint or Wooly Willy?

“I don’t remember the truth!” I’m gonna have to remember that line, that might work.

An emphatic, “Back off!”

Now I conveniently recall I started this whole damn hullabaloo/clusterfuck.

Shoot me up with a little zombie heroin.

Hey! It’s Cabbage Head!

Killed by a Langolier, how humiliating.

Now it’s like a Langolier Horse.

Wow, didn’t see that fakeout coming.

Shoulda just Talibanned Rodriguez’s head off.

More techno music. Fuckin’ Matrix. Ruining action movie soundtracks for the next ten to twelve years.

Wow, he had to become such a lame pathetic zombie. Crawling around like a dog scrapin’ his butt on the shag carpet.

Man, she was about to kiss her! Now I really hate the Langolier Horse.

Finally, Caplan’s gone again.

The Flaming Langolier Horses. That’s a good bad band name.

Two to go. Only the dude can die. I’ve already seen Resident Evil 2, so Jovovich ain’t gonna die.

Easy in those HAZMAT suits. You step on the slipper, you’re done!

“Just do it.” Yeah, reopen the place full of zombies. Brilliant.

Ooh, I see some Jovovag.

“The Dead Walk!”

The thing I’ll take away most from this movie is seeing Milla Jovovich’s vagina. It was worth sitting through The Caplan and the Langolier Horse. God Bless you Milla Jovovich’s vag and God Bless us everyone.

Overall: One out of Four Happy Ethans. Acting – other than Jovovich’s vag, I saw nothing I liked. Directing – great capturing of Jovovich’s vag. Writing – whoever wrote Jovovich’s vag into the script deserves at least a Golden Globe, but the dialogue blew my balls. Music – fuck you Matrix. Milla Jovovich’s vag was bold and daring in her brazenness and debonair attitude. Everyone else blew. Screw you Caplan.