Dragon Wars: D-War (2007)
Dragon Wars, or D-War as it is known in some circles, was the movie event of 2007.
I mean, ya got dragons and a titular character named
Ethan. Frankly, they had me at dragons, so the Ethan character was just the
creamy frosting on top. The most expensive film in the history of
“Everybody believes the time of dragons has passed…but the time of dragons has just begun.” Really?
Damn, this Ethan has better hair than I do. The bastard. Must use Pantene Pro-V.
“This has something to do with me,” Pantene Ethan thinks aloud as he fingers his Korean dragon talisman. Or is that an amulet? I always get amulets and talismans confused; I’m such a goof.
“Finally, I found you,” the old man says to the young Ethan. Ummmm…
Imugis, Iweeju, Barakis. C’mon
“Hashabooshywo!” the old Korean man mutters in fear.
“What are you talking about?” the young Ethan asks intelligently.
Master Woo-Ching kinda looks like the old guy from Mortal Kombat. Finish him.
“Why do you speak this nonsense?” “It’s not nonsense, it’s Korean!”
That’s the second time somebody’s said, “What are you talking about?” in the first nine minutes of D-War. I have a feeling that’s gonna be the catchphrase of this movie.
Which one’s the man? Are they Lesboreans?
Whoa,
apparently they don’t have gravity in
Okay, here we go. We’ve got dragons. It took eleven excruciating minutes, but it was worth it.
Why does the Lesborean have a look on his/her face like the dragon just farted?
Pendant formed by Heaven? Cool! Heaven pendant!
How
long does it take to get to the herb store and back? Ethan’s dad’s been gone
long enough for this kid to hear the whole history of
Those creatures aren’t really dragons. They’re more like big lizard-cows. Alittle too Star Wars-ian.
“Ahhh! Dragons! Ahhh!”
Haha, dude got squashed by a Lizard-Cow.
Whoa! Sword out of nowhere.
Uh oh, watch out. A legion of Super Shredders. Where’s Splinter when you need him? Probably rooting around in the sewers somewhere in his gown…
He
tried to attack the Super Shredder soldiers with a hoe? I don’t think we have
to be too worried about
Why are they letting that old man kill their Super-Shredding asses? Just have a Lizard-Cow step on him.
Whoops! He can fly. Forgot about that.
Now that’s a fuckin’ dragon.
“I’ve been waiting for you for a long time. Thought you’d be taller though.” “Hey! Fuck you, old man!”
“I know this is hard to believe, but you wanna know something that’s even harder to believe?” “What?” “Nothing rhymes with the word ‘orange.’”
Darryl! Darryl! Darryl! Darryl! The D in D-War must stand for Darryl. I’m glad Darryl’s here, these Dragon Wars were getting heavy, needed some comic relief.
Damn, the Chosen One Sarah’s fuckin’ hot. Wow, must be a cold day in LA. Maybe the D stands for cup size.
And Jack the Antique Salesman is levitating.
“I thought a few beers would make you feel better.” I like Sarah’s friend’s style.
Damn, Antique Salesman got skee-illz. That’s the last time I pick on the old antique salesman down the street.
“Put a robot on Mars, we can’t keep elephants quiet for the entire night.” Tell me about it, Zoo Guard.
And we’ve got modern-day dragons.
Hey, that was the guy getting coked up in Superbad.
Evil Dragon Guy looks alittle Bill Murrayish.
Ethan had another scary antique store daydream, I get those all the time. “No, no! These prices are too reasonable!”
The census bureau doesn’t keep track of club feet? Seems like something they should keep their eye on…
I think the Zoo Guard’s a Kevin James stunt double.
Ah shit, car turned into a dragon again. That’s why ya gotta buy American. The worst an American car will turn into is maybe a buffalo or a bald eagle.
“You lousy bum!” the lousy bum screams semi-ironically.
Unbelievable, the Robinsons’ dragon is drinking out of our pool again.
Sarah the Chosen One’s kinda losin’ it.
“Aight,” Darryl says blackly.
Craig Anton from Tom Goes To The Mayor. Why are all these comedy actors in such a serious earnest meaningful film about dragons?
The
dragon’s hundreds of feet long and there have only been two sightings in the
second-largest city in
Dr. Craig Anton to the rescue!
I hope Darryl yells, “Oh snap!”
And here comes Super Shredder.
Damn, Darryl’s got a glock.
Darryl with a nice sword-steal.
Silverlake? Hey, Sarah the Chosen One lives right down the street.
Mighty Dawdler? That’s a dumb name for a Lizard-Cow.
Wait, is Darryl dead? Damn you Super Shredder!
Why do all these random Joe Everyman heroes in films always have a professor/scientist-friend who just happens to be an expert in whatever they’re up against? “Oh, dragons? Well I just happen to have a forty-volume collection on the history of dragons in my back room…”
Just kill the cute girl and the dragon dies. It’s just that simple. But of course, he’s in love with her. C’mon Ethan! There’s plenty of good-lookin’ ladies in LA who don’t have the spirits of evil dragons in their souls. Well, actually…
Hey! It’s Donnie Darko’s dad.
Oh no! She’s a poltergeist!
Did somebody say “Osama” three times really fast during that flotation/dream sequence or am I losing my G-D’ing mind?
Yeah, like a little Chinese delivery car’s gonna outrun a dragon.
Yay! Darryl’s still alive! He got attacked by Super Shredder and he’s back at work the next day? Fuck that, I’d take a week off at least.
“I hate those things.” Those gun-things?
The fate of the world? It’s just a dragon messin’ up LA.
I wish I could’ve made a cameo in this film just so I could stand there with my hands on my hips, looking up at the sky in consternation and go, “Let’s get those darn dragons.”
Yeah, police pistols are gonna take down a freakin’ mile-long dragon.
Aw, this time he really did kill Darryl. Fuck you, dragon!
Still not sure why Dragon
Wars is shortened to D-War.
Shouldn’t it be D-Wars? Or Dragon War? Do they
not have plurals in
First, there’s dragons and now it’s gonna rain? Well that’s just great. I can’t wait for the D-War videogame on PS3. They have to make one, don’t they? I’m gonna kill all them dragons.
Here come the fireball-spitting pterodactyls. Where’s the Mighty Dawdler? I miss that silly Lizard-Cow.
That helicopter pilot’s like twelve-years-old, no wonder we’re losing the Dragon War. Get some adults up there.
Every helicopter pilot is being dubbed by the same man; he’s like the unstoppable chopper pilot.
Army tank vs. Mighty Dawdler, the storied rivalry.
“Look out!” “You almost hit that Mighty Dawdler!”
That Evil Dragon Guy’s got Dr. Claw’s voice. Must hurt. Maybe he’s got inflamed lymph nodes. After the D-War he should have that checked out by an ear, nose, and throat guy.
Maybe the D just stands for dumb.
LA needs a good D-War. Clear out a couple hundred Californians and I might be able to find a parking space closer to my apartment every night.
Ooh, Ethan took the shot for her.
“Damn, and that was my last bullet.”
Whoops, shot his partner. He’s probably gonna get written-up for that.
“Driving to
Why
does every white person in
Cool twentieth birthday, getting chased by fire-breathing pterodactyls. I just had cake.
Damn, they built that castle pretty quick. Musta been like an amish barn-raising.
Where’s an ass-kicking antique salesman when you need one?
I think this whole film is supposed to be a Christian parable like The Chronicles of Narnia. The evil dragon is like the Devil and Ethan is like Jesus. Pretty sure that’s what Director Kim Jong Il was going for. From what I understand in my readings, Jesus was quite a swordsman.
Heaven Pendant to the rescue.
Whoa, more dragons! Now we’ve got a D-War.
So maybe the good dragon’s supposed to be Jesus. I dunno. I’m confused.
Which one’s the good dragon? I mean, I’m not trying to be racist, but all dragons look the same to me.
This is like that movie Boa vs. Python.
And she turned into a big marble. Alright…
Whoa, the big Sarah marble gave the Jesus Dragon appendages. Advantage? Jesus Dragon.
Way to go, No-Arms.
Jesus Dragon kicked Devil Dragon’s ass. Those arms and legs really helped. And he got a cool new dragon-mustache too.
Jesus Dragon’s like, “Haha, I turned your crazy girlfriend into vapors.”
“Ethan, don’t be sad. I’ll love you for all of eternity.” Oh, well that’s a good deal I guess.
What’s Jesus Dragon gonna do now with no other dragons to war against? Maybe he could do fly-overs at ballgames like the Blue Angels, that’d be pretty sweet.
Haha, the director’s name is Shim.
The thing I’ll take away most from this film is…what the hell is a Mighty Dawdler? Is it a Lizard-Cow? Is it like a big hippopotamus with a tail? What was that thing?
Overall: Four out of Four Happy Ethans. Acting—Other than Darryl and the Kevin James stunt double, meh. Directing—The guy/girl’s name was Shim so ya gotta love that. Writing—Great hero name choice. Other than that, the writing was very Shark Attack 2-esque. Music—Typical action movie shlock.
Although,
by my usual rankings, this thing should’ve only gotten One out of Four Happy Ethans (and that’s just because of the director’s name) I
had to slap a rare Four on it ‘cause it’s a movie about dragons and their wars,
for crying out loud. Definitely the greatest film I’ve ever seen on warring
dragons. The Confederacy should’ve used some dragons during the Civil War, mighta had a shot. If we had some dragons over there in