The Da Vinci Code (2006)

Paintings! Codes! Tom Hanks with long hair!

Oh boy, I love puzzles. This’ll be like Carmen San Diego. Or it’ll just be like school, it’s a tossup at this point.

Man, they’re already plugging the second Dan Brown movie. Let’s see if we can stomach this one first, Danny Boy.

Directed by Opie. Andy must be proud.

I hope I don’t have nightmares about classical painters after watching this.

Run old guy, run! Don’t let da Vinci catch you! He’ll make you sit there for hours while he paints you.

Never trust albinos.

Oh boy, a college seminar. Color me bored.

Long-haired Tom Hanks is really turnin’ me off. He’s got no excuse for that cut, he’s not stuck on an island. He’s in Paris.

“A kind of French FBI.” Dang, am I gonna run outta French jokes by the end of this one? Nope.

Fuckin’ subtitles. I didn’t come here to read. C’mon Opie!

Ew! No naked albinos! I can hardly tolerate them fully-clothed.

“I chastise my body.” Yeah, so do I. It’s gross.

I hope this asphyxiation isn’t of the autoerotic sort. Or even the manual erotic sort. Oh he’s just whipping himself. Thank God. That I can take.

“Okay.” Oh, an instant hit catchphrase from Mr. Hanks.

“After me, please. (You stupid American)”

So Hanks has a fear of elevators. That’s odd.

“Dear God.” The dead man you were going to show me is dead. Dear God.

Self-flagellation sounds hot.

Nice, hot French babe.

It wouldn’t be a Ron Howard film unless Tom Hanks was “in grave danger.”

Smooth, Tom Hanks. The Professional doesn’t suspect a thing. The last person I want chasing me down is Detective The Professional; especially if I’m a preteen Natalie Portman.

“Stop it! Just stop it!” Tom says snappily.

“I thought it was a trick to get back in touch.” Yeah, those tricky grampas.

“Maybe he was trying to do it in code.” Maybe he was trying to do it in the da Vinci Code!

“What, you admire him now?” Well, maybe I do!

Uh oh, here comes the museum security guard. Quick! Pretend you’re statues!

Quickly now, come with me! We shall escape in the tiniest car ever! Are Europeans all four feet tall? What’s up with all these tiny Euromobiles?

“Christ, give me strength.” No.

“I’m sorry?” Oh no, I was just muttering codes under my breath. Sorry.

Awesome, French hookers! I don’t think Ron Howard’s ever seen a hooker, ‘cause those bitches are smokin’ hot. And ladies, I only refer to them as bitches, because they are hookers. And they charge too much for a simple rimjob. Greedy bitches. I wish country’s could trade their hookers, like grain and vegetables. Ours suck. Literally and figuratively.

Man, Detective The Professional really has it out for Tom Hanks.

French junkies. Sacre bleu!

“A treasure hunt.” “To find his killer.” Why couldn’t he just tell ‘em who killed him? Then we wouldn’t have to sit through this nonsense.

Killing nuns. Yeah, that’ll get you an Oscar, Opie. Why don’t you stomp some kitties too, while you’re at it?

Isn’t that Bishop the Octopus guy from Spiderman? Octopussy? I think that’s it.

“Scrambled? Unscrambled?” I’d rather have pancakes Tom, thanks.

“In there?” C’mon claustrophobic Hanks! Suck it up!

Nice armored truck escape.

Ugh, here we go again with the whipping. Dan Brown’s kinda pervy.

“I never met a girl who knew that much about a cryptix.” Well I have.

Wow, worst/goofiest double-cross ever. He might as well have slipped on a banana peel and landed on a whoopee cushion.

Man, the Priory’s got a pretty sweet billiards table.

Hey, it’s Magneto! Neato!

Man, all those magnets must’ve messed with Magneto’s legs.

Constantine? I thought that was Keanu.

Hanks/Magneto battle.

“The more penises you have, the higher your rank.” Shoot, I only have one. What does that make me? A Private? That’s probably why they call them privates.

I should take this time to remind the readers that everything in italics is a direct quote from the film. Direct quote.

“Hint of a bosom.” Calm down, Magneto/Gandalf/Dumbledore; whoever you are.

Magdalene gave birth standing up. Damn, that hooker was hardcore.

We need another witch hunt, clean up shop alittle.

Dumbledore’s about to get jacked up by that albino. Better than getting jacked off I s’pose.

“Your picture’s on the television!” That just sounds funny when Dumbledore says it.

“Can you know a thing and never say it again?” Yes. Wait, no. Well, maybe if it’s hard to say. Like French or something.

Ooh, crutch to the crotch! That blows.

“Yes. No, we love Zurich.” C’mon, nobody loves Zurich.

I wanna bon that Sophie chick. Ohh, French jokes.

Octopussy looks weird with that Catholic yarmulke on. And just two arms.

Was da Vinci the one who cut his ear off? Crazy bastard.

Oh, Zurich’s in Switzerland now?

I like the Swiss, especially that Miss.

“Did that old canibus charge finally catch up with me?” I thought Gandalf and all those elves smoked that gay “pipe weed.”

“The French cannot be trusted!” That’s the most important lesson Dumbledore’s ever taught.

Now that’s a fuckin’ chateau!

Aw, poor Sophie. She’s scared. I’ll protect you, you sweet little Frenchie.

“These aren’t tombs. These are effigies!” Damn, Hanks is pissed. I don’t think I’ve ever seen somebody so pissed over effigies. PS: What the fuck’s an effigy?

Hey, you can’t slap Magneto! Especially if you’re wearing a wristwatch. Your hand’ll just stick to his face. Then you’re really busted.

Damn doves. Interfering with my church execution. Who let those birds in here anyway? I thought birds were non-denominational.

“I have to get to a library. Fast!” And the nonstop breakneck action continues! Will he be able to decipher the British Dewey Decimal System in time? Stay tuned, here on Lamesterpiece Theatre!

Gay. The butler kissed the albino. Funny, that’s the opening scene to the new porn I’m developing.

“What are you doing?” “Getting you a library card.” Goddamit, Ron Howard! Let me catch my breath! Will the excitement ever cease?!

Damn you, Dumbledore! I trusted you!

Another poisoned butler. That old chestnut.

Dang. Magneto’s got some cool crutch gloves.

A 999 call? C’mon England. I’m choking in a foreign country! Quickly! Call the country’s equivalent of 911! F that. I’m never choking in Europe. Count me out.

Man, that’s a beast of a church. God must’ve been pumped when that one went up.

The Last Remaining Guardian of the Grail is hot.

“We need to just walk away,” Tom mutters. Just to doublecheck, ‘cause maybe I’m wrong. Tom Hanks is supposed to be the hero of this here flick, right? Is that what heroes do? Walk away from Englishmen on crutches?

Hey, you can’t shoot a monk! Even if he is albino.

Octopussy got gunned down. Man, that albino’s really gonna self-flagellate himself over this one.

Haha, Octopussy used Detective The Professional. You got used Leon.

Your silence is dead? The fuck does that mean?

So Tom Hanks is trippin’ and seeing solar systems? What’s happening?

Why even arrest Dumbledore? You know he can just apparate out of the cell and turn all y’all into donkeys. Dumbass Muggle cops.

So it all comes down to an apple. As it always does. You know why? ‘Cause they’re delicious.

“He called me a flatfoot.” Aw, poor Tom.

When’s Hanks gonna bang this chick?

“We’re closed, I’m afraid.” “Oh, we’ll just be a moment. We’re just gonna expose all religion as a fraud and we’ll be out of your hair.”

Ooh, that’s a lot of Italians, I’d be nervous.

“When you and your grandfather fought, was it something about your past?” “How could you know that?” Well, it certainly couldn’t have been something about your future.

Whoa, angry Grampy.

Aw, young Sophie’s crying. C’mere young Sophie, gimme a hug. A long, inappropriate, possibly illegal hug.

Whoa, ritual sex. With a buncha monks standing around watching. That’s…hot?

“I don’t think he was your grandfather,” Hanks says sinisterly. “Because I am your grandfather. That’s why we have the same long hair.”

Wait, so she’s the Jesus baby? So Hanks has to bang Sophie to bring along another Jesus. He really has no choice. God bless you Tom Hanks and your American Jesus-creating dick. Well, he wouldn’t be fully American. I guess he’d be Franco-American. Like Spaghettios. Wait, does that mean Colin Hanks is the second coming of Jesus? Nah, that can’t be right. Jesus wouldn’t have done Orange County.

You are blowing that little Frenchwoman’s mind.

“I prayed…to Jesus.” Who else are ya gonna pray to, Zeus?

“Godspeed,” he said, strangely and inappropriately. I hear godspeed is the fastest possible speed. Faster than lightspeed even.

So she’s under that pyramid in Paris? Really? I knew Jesus was a carpenter, but I didn’t know he worked with glass.

The one thing I will take away from this film is…that…um, Jesus was a woman? I dunno, I wasn’t really paying attention.

Overall: One out of Four Happy Ethans. Acting – hot French chick outweighs long-haired Hanks. Directing – Opie killed nuns and monks and might’ve stomped a kitten. Or maybe that was just my review, I forgot already. Writing – Dan Brown blows. Music – coulda used some Zeppelin.

I don’t even have a final comment. I’ma go get me some French hookers.