Breakdown (1997)

Italics: Actual quotes

The film opens like one of those seventies flicks that Tarantino’s always trying to steal, ahem, homage.

Kurt Russell, wasn’t he the gerbil guy?

Oh shit, The Others are involved. Where’s Locke when you need him?

God, Kurt’s wife is annoying. When’s this bitch getting kidnapped?

Wow, Red Dog beer. Do they even make that anymore?

“What would you do with 90,000 donuts?” “You’d fuckin’ eat them, asshole.”

Kurt Russell couldn’t get any help on The Biggest Cell Phone Ever Made.

Now trucks have computers and chips? What the fuck is that evil diesel trucker talkin’ about?

Always let your wife take rides alone with random truck drivers. Has Kurt Russell ever played a character who wasn’t a big fuckin’ dumbass?

Hey! The Chief from Rescue Me! I thought he shot himself. So far, this film has two actors from other shows I’d rather be watching right now.

Why does a diner owner in the middle of the Southwest have a gruff Brooklyn accent? And why is that man’s name Belle?

I know women who drive better than Kurt Russell. Haha no, I’m only joking ladies.

Well it’s a good thing that cop did a thorough search of the truck. Jeez, he could’ve at least lifted up the mattress, he’s not looking for an elephant.

That old guy at the bar is adorable. I love old people who can’t act. So basically, I love old people. Except I don’t, so it’s weird.

Jeez, look at this crowd. They should rename this town Consarnit.

Grizzly Adams! Hey!

Man, I hate when diner owners pull guns on me. Which is often.

Kurt Russell, master of escape: “Huzzah! I’m gone!” Kurt’s a good fleer. Fleer: one who flees.

Oh god, the retarded guy that’ll help save the day.

Did I just hear banjos?

“This is very important… Where do you get a trucker’s license?”

The police is in on it? Consarnit!

Road block? Oh well, guess I’ll turn around. Classic Kurt Dumbass Russell move.

“Now you crawl your ass outta there.” “Alright, just don’t hit me on the head again. That really hurt.” “How do I know she’s still alive?” WHAM! Hits him on the head again.

I like the truck driver more than Kurt. Is this what DeLaurentis was going for? Absolute hatred of the hero?

He had to walk to the bank? Down that hill? Man, these guys are evil.

What no action scene music for the bank scene?

“Rich asshole lookin’ for trouble.” –The Others’ guy’s description of a figurative bumper sticker Kurt and his wife should have had on their car, according to him. Not a very catchy bumper sticker.

That was more of a pistol bludgeoning than a pistol whipping.

Deke’s a dork.

Those truck drivers and their wacky kidnapping shenanigans.

I wish I had a freezer full of women. Wait, that didn’t come out right.

This truck chase just got alittle more ridiculous. Three on one? Are the wife and kid each gonna be drivin’ one too? Although the semi through the trailer was pretty cool. We used to do shit like that all the time back up in Maine. Drive semis through everything.

Cool truck hanging scene, ripping off both Jurassic Park and Cliffhanger in one fell swoop.

Cool, he fell off a bridge and you gotta drop a truck on top of him. Who are the real villains here, people?

The scene I’ll walk away with most, of course, is the package of donuts floating in the river. Kurt Russell’s life has been turned upside down and those tasty pastries sum it all up. A loss of innocence, a loss of love, or a loss of donuts at least.

Overall: Two out of Four Happy Ethans. Acting – meh. Directing – solid. Writing – guh. Music – decent. You can’t beat a my-wife-went-missing plot, but you can beat the dialogue in this film. And you can absolutely beat Kurt Russell…over the head…with a shovel…if you’d like. And if you don’t, I will.