Airport (1970)

Oh, Airport! This is gonna be funny! Kareem’s in this one!

My visual’s broken, I’m just getting audio, hold on. Damn PS3’s! Oh, that was the movie, never mind.

“C’mon honey, let’s get to Airport fast or we will miss Airplane Airlines Flight. I can’t wait to visit Destination!”

Airport is closed today due to snow. Or is it? I bet this movie will have at least four “Or is it” moments.

There. They landed, it’s over. Now we can go home.

Trans-Gender Airlines, I mean Trans-Global Airlines.

How does an airplane get stuck in snow? Shit’s fuckin’ huge.

Here come the tiny trucks to the rescue. Why is every airport truck clown-sized?

Ooh, the Airport General Manager. And me without a tuxedo.

I think he just talked to her through the split screen. He glanced in the general direction.

Token angry unsatisfied wife. This will end badly.

That station wagon is bigger than any of the airport trucks, jeez.

How hard is it to move a plane. C’mon guys. Seventies guys.

This asshole’s not gonna let his friend get laid. Man, just ‘cause he ain’t gettin’ any from his angry wife…

Whoa, high hair. Must be humid at Airport.

Picketing an airport. Life must’ve sucked before PS3’s. Too much time on people’s hands.

Hey! Deano!

Whoa, he’s got a flying desk?

“Plenty long and mighty dry.” Doesn’t sound as pervy with Deano’s dulcet tones.

Deano’s bangin’ the stewardess, good writing. That Rat Packin’ sonuvabitch…

Enough with all the airplane sexual innuendo. This is a two hour movie, space it out a bit.

Like a drunken dinosaur? Probably the coolest image ever. That and a drunken giant robot.

That girl’s gonna be gettin’ some Airport General Manager dick tonight.

Ooh, the Airport General Manager’s daughter’s hot.

Av-iation?

An angry couple montage. Can’t say I’ve seen one of those before. Can’t say I wanna see another one ever again.

Airplane jargon. Great. Did I have to pass a pilot’s test to watch this?

This stowawaying old lady’s awesome. I’m gonna try that method. Fuck tickets. This would be a great lesson in stowing away if the film wasn’t nearly forty years old. If I ever time travel back to the seventies, I ain’t buyin’ no plane tickets.

His hair’s getting higher. Must be even more humid in the parlor than in his office. They should get him one of those Sharper Image air purifying thingies.

When will they ever learn? This has been a message from the United States Customs Agency.

Damn, homeland terrorism. You usually expect terrorists to be less dumpy. But at least it’s terrorism for a good reason.

“Just go blow up that plane, Donald. Hurry up, I need that insurance money!”

Highway robbery. It’s a plane, you dumbass!

Nuns, why are there always nuns? I’ve never seen a nun on any of my flights. Maybe that’s a bad sign.

Hot fuckin’ stewardesses! And the pilot can sing! Trans-Gender Airlines rules! Too bad they’re all trans-gendered.

Jeez kid, careful around the briefcase bomb.

Action! Intrigue! Airport regulation debates!

I have never been on one of these hot stewardess flights. You must have to pay extra.

Deano, on abortion. “I’m for it! And I think I’m Italian!” He is Italian, right?

Nowadays, here in the 1970’s.

“I need a couple trimesters to think this over!

There isn’t even one average-looking stewardess. Fuckin’ sweet.

I don’t think you could use a wingless airplane as a tank.

A Star Trek Full Power debate. Full Power always wins that argument. Full Power rules.

“Gerald, my neck’s out about fourteen feet here!” “That’s gotta be some kinda world record.”

Uh oh, she’s up to her old tricks again!

Cots in ladies rooms? Man, ladies get everything. Ladies…

This is the dumbest effeminate male stewardess ever. Duped by the elderly. C’mon, when does that ever actually happen? That’s why Grumpy Old Men had so many plotholes.

You can just buy life insurance at the airport?

The kinda-creepy customs agent: “Man, I wish he was comin’ in and not goin’ out so I could inspect him. I’d inspect the hell outta that guy.”

Best ticket check canceling timing ever.

With all these drunk pilots and astronauts running around these days, Deano was the perfect casting choice in ages.

Just goes to show ya: always double check that you were charged correctly on your cross-Atlantic flights or your wife will discover your terrorist plot.

Doctor just handin’ out date rape drugs like candy. “Here cute girl, eat this.” The seventies ruled.

“I’m just gonna open this window and have a smoke.”

The wallet gag! Why I oughta…

Two heads, I don’t follow that joke, seventies man.

Ms. Ada Quansett. Exterminate with extreme prejudice. Elderly prejudice.

“I don’t mix well with the coach people. Don’t send me back there.”

Oh, so the hot black stewardess has to work the back of the plane!

Wait, the co-captain bangs old women?

Which one’s Burt Lancaster? I hope it’s the mope with the bombs.

I hate the nerd kid in two seconds. If he says “physical impossibility” again, he’s dead.

Wow, beepers had evil death rattles in the seventies. I thought my PS3 was dying.

The hot daughter ran away from home. Cut to the end of the film. This plot hole still hasn’t been filled in. She’s still running around out there somewhere, and nobody seems to care.

“That’s what you signed up for when you married the Airport General Manager, baby!”

“Anything suspicious?” “Just one thing, the bomb in his briefcase.”

Goddam stowaway ruining the terrorist attack.

That ain’t no FAA rule, they just wanna get high on oxygen.

Here we go, monologues. That last monologue needed its own landing strip.

Deano’s very wily and elusive. The dumpy terrorist won’t suspect a thing.

The blonde stewardess is too much. I’d kill a civilian for that tail.

“You make our language sound so delightful!” I’m sayin’ that to the next Englishman who crosses my path.

So the old woman’s actually gonna foil the terrorist attack? I was joking earlier. C’mon Deano, grow a pair!

Why’s that old guy dressed like a penguin.

He actually said ‘bomb.’ Worst bomb negotiator ever.

KABOOM!

At least the creepy guy isn’t on the flight anymore. They get a nice creepless flight back.

Joan is the sexiest stewardess ever. With a sultry voice to boot. Who cares if she’s seventy now?

Roger Toronto, that’s a cool name.

No eyeglasses? How will I see us crash?

I’m gonna sing alittle song now over the intercom, to soothe you passengers.

Possible coma baby.

“Roger Global Two, but what the fuck’s an opthomal surgeon?”

“Are you guys sleeping down there?” “Yes we are, so stop yelling!”

“Get off that penguin butt!” What?

I wonder what that Guerrero guy landed on.

My favorite’s the split screen with the little bubble in the middle for the guy on the headset. Like the opening to a seventies sitcom about three people, where one of them isn’t as important to the plot.

Finally, somebody told the nerd kid to shut up. But did it have to be his drunk father? On second thought, yes. It did.

Priest slaps. Those hurt like holy hell.

The pilot needs instructions? Isn’t he…the pilot?

Dope landing. I want all of my flight to spin out like that, while we bang Rage in the cabin.

“If it’s alright Doctor, I’d like to perform the surgery and deliver the baby on the plane.” “I think she’s only three weeks pregnant.” “So it’ll be small and painless for her!”

More like scrambled…legs! Now that’s a sexual innuendo. And no need for airplane puns, either. Win win.

So in the end, infidelity is always the correct choice. It worked for Burt Lancaster, it worked for Dean Martin, and it can work for you, Joe America.

This has been a Universal Picture.

Overall: Four out of Four Happy Ethans. Acting – awesome seventies stars. Directing – awesome seventies action. Writing – awesome seventies words. Music – awesome seventies jams. Makes me wanna grow my hair and beard out, start using drugs heavily, and have some unprotected sex. So basically it hasn’t changed me a bit. Still a good flick.