10,000 B.C. (2008)
Judging a movie by its poster, Vol. 227(a): There’s a caveman with a bone-sword and a saber-toothed tiger. Yup, good movie. If there was some sort of future robot-ninja in the background, I’d probably have to go change my pants.
I hope they take some historical liberties and throw a couple dinosaurs in this flick.
Huh, I didn’t know they spoke American back in 10,000 B.C.
Mmm, fresh-roasted mammoth meat. That would make for a good submarine samich.
Whoa, shaman-lady got quite a bit of blowback off that chosen-one girl.
Is that Tim Meadows in war paint?
So guys and girls look exactly the same in this culture. Makes things easier, I guess. Hairier, definitely.
“Hey Daryl, sweet bone-sword.”
Why do they all have different accents?
Rasta-Cavemen.
Dang, this twelve-year-old caveman’s pretty smooth with the…lady cavemen.
Whoa, Cavegirl got hot.
Cobi Jones, Caveman.
I could totally hunt a mammoth. Stupid cavemen, makin’ em all go extinct. Just like the cowboys and injuns did with the buffalo.
Uh oh, somebody’s gettin’ trampled.
Gotcha mammoth.
This is wacky. They’re like Keystone Kavemen.
So which one’s our hero? Again, they all look like filthy hippies to me.
Whoopi Goldberg as the shaman-lady.
“You didn’t actually kill the mammoth? This changes everything.”
Uh oh, Whoopi had another nightmare.
Mongols! Sweet!
What’s their problem, I would be flattered if my village was ransacked by Mongols.
What’s the lead guy’s name, Marino? He’s lookin’ alittle Kevin Dillony in the face.
Cobi Jones tags along. He’ll be the Short Round to Kevin Dillon Marino’s Indy.
Why
do they live in the friggin’
I hope Cavegirl hasn’t gotten Mongol-raped yet.
“Oh no, you’re whipping my hands. Please stop. The least-sensitive part of my body. Please stop. What’re you gonna whip next, my shadow?”
Wow,
they went from
Watch out! Raptors!
That sucks, bald Mongol was trying to get him some cavegirl cut-up.
What, now his name’s DeLay? Make up your primitive minds, cavemen.
Tom DeLay and Cobi Jones star in 10,000 B.C.
Oh no, Giant Killer Ostriches! So I was sort of off when I speculated Raptors.
Marino/DeLay’s taking the Palestinian approach to these ostriches: just throw rocks at them til they go away. Whoa, that was almost a socio-political joke, I better cut that shit out before Jon Stewart reads this tripe.
Cobi Jones got slapped. That’s at least a yellow card, maybe even a red card.
And
now they’re in the desert. Do they live in the Biodome?
They do all kinda
look like
Oh jeez, we’ve got Sabretooth.
Yeah, go poke the giant tiger with your bone-spear, dumbass.
“Do not eat me when I set you free.” No deal, Marino!
Haha, must suck to find a civilization more advanced than your own.
Sabretooth is a bully, but at least he likes DeLay.
Oh yeah, the black African guys and the Rasta-cavemen with Frenchish accents all speak American.
I like it when an entire tribe surrounds me, watches me eat and rejoices/ululates when I enjoy their food.
George Clinton, Wiseman.
It’s
a whole
Where are all the droopy-titted ladies I masturb—er, read about in National Geographic.
I knew I recognized Marino’s dad’s friend from somewhere. He’s the FBI head in Die Hard 4. A rare second appearance in ethanbooker.com’s movie reviews. Good for him. I’ll send him a fruit basket.
Why are they all yelling Jenga? Did somebody knock over a tower of blocks?
Well at least Cobi Jones and his new buddy are having fun in the slave line.
This
is like The Warriors, all the
different tribes coming together. Let’s see, we’ve got the Rasta-cavemen and
the
The universal language: thumping spears against shields.
And now we’ve got the Arts & Crafts gang, since they seem to be covered in popsicle sticks.
So the Mongols got boats now.
Hey, it’s like Whack-a-Mole, except with slaves.
Popsicle Stick Chief is just yappin’ away in front of the campfire. Probably tellin’ em how to make a toy car out of a milk carton.
“The Sea of Sand,” just call it a desert, you nerd. Less syllables.
Why is Whoopi Goldberg still in this movie? Go back to the sweet-ass Cavegirl. We get it, the shaman-lady’s watching over them on their journey. Thanks for that, Whoopi.
This
is so inaccurate, everybody knows the Jew Aliens built
the Pyramids. Not slaves from various tribes throughout
Here come the ‘Gyptians.
Man, Pharaoh’s got claws. Clip your nails, Your Almighty One.
Ooh, nice stab by Marathon Champ.
A blind slave—what’s the point of that? His squeaky voice is adorable though. Somebody buy him some shades. And a seeing-eye mammoth.
This scene needs more Giant Killer Ostriches.
Oh shit, FBI guy just F’d their A’s up.
Cavegirl’s gonna get herself some
Mongol-lovin’. Aw man, interrupted by the ‘Gyptians. This may be the first recorded incident of a cockblock in the history of
They put the wrong face on the Sphinx. Idiots.
So Egyptians are effeminate, wear their hair in buns and have claws. Yeah, that sounds about right.
Here comes his Braveheart speech. Yeah yeah, just go rescue your smokin’ hot girlfriend, Marino.
“Ooh that smarts! Careful with that whip.”
Pharaoh is pissed.
You can only whip Manute Bol a certain amount of times before he gets fed up and hurls you off a Pyramid. My grandfather taught me that lesson when I was but a boy.
The Great Mammoth Revolt of 10,000 B.C.
Did he just yell “Jack Hannah?” Even Hannah couldn’t control those furry elephants.
Man, Cavegirl’s got some blue-ass eyes. I wouldn’t mind stabbin’ her with my bone-sword. Eh? Ehh?
“He is not a God!” Well, maybe he’s the God of Being Speared and Falling Down Stairs; ever think of that, Marino?
Cavegirl doesn’t need this DeLay character, she’s been kickin’ plenty of tail on her own. Whoops, nevermind. Arrow in the back.
Enough with the Whoopi Shaman.
Wow, those Ancient Egyptian temples burn quick. Are they made out of stone or particle board?
So basically it was all for nothing. Well, I guess he did free hundreds of thousands of slaves, but still.
What are you lookin’ at mammoth?
Annnnnd she’s back. Jeez, make up your mind Cavegirl. Dead or not dead, pick a side.
So he got his girl and a bag full of beans, whoopty-shit. He did get to knock over the top of a pyramid and spear a Pharaoh though, so that’s something.
“You’re back! What did you bring us? Oh…beans.”
Overall: Two out of Four Happy Ethans. Directing: V Writing: X Acting: X Music: V
The
thing I’ll take away most from this flick is the Giant Killer Ostriches. Those
guys were cool.